Procrastinate or Avoidance?

yes, I've been shelving the blogs intended to share about the funeral and the wakes for my dad. I'm not sure if it was procrastinations or avoidance of the whole episode. It was very unpleasant to see someone you love dearly (but often fail to express that emotion physically or verbally) lying still in an enclosed box. Knowing that it will actually BE the last time that I can see dad physically from the box broke my heart. It still feels so unreal.... 2 months down the road. How can this actually be true I often ask myself.

Bringing the body of dad home on a wednesday evening was like a mini-victory of getting through red-tape across two borders with minimum hassle, just alot of money spent (which that that point in time, we had no idea how we are going to pay for it as 2nd bro had volunteered the first 15K, we'll need to sort out how to pay him back.....). But I knew that money was the least of our concerns, it was more important to give my dad a peaceful setoff, that equates to his contributions during his lifetime.

Dad has been a great man.

He has been a man of his words.

He has been a pillar of strength towards his family and friends. He will never say no to anyone in genuine need for help.

He was extremly resourceful and calm-minded in handling any crisis or tricky situation.

I was told by our hometown relative that she measures one person not by how many worshipper/bootlickers they get during their lifetime, but by how many people coming to their funeral/wake during their death. It made sense to me and I made special efforts to observe for myself how true this is.

We arrive in Singapore late wednesday evening and was told by the Singapore Casket that it will take them about 2hrs to clear the customs and bring Dad's body back to the Singapore Casket. So we booked a time at 8 or 9 or 10pm I cannot remember to gather all family members (including extended uncles, aunties, cousins etc) at the Singapore Casket to perform a simple Buddhism chanting rite for Dad and also mainly to allow all he love and all who love him see him for the first time... coming home.

It was phenomenally emotional session, as expected, we had to make sure that some aunties (dad's sisters) do not faint or get overly agigtated during this time. Strong arms of strength was lent from my cousins who stood by like body guards, they have an important mission to keep the crowd under control.... So more Manpower was arranged around those higher potential folks...

Dad had a change of shirt has it was stained during the GZ moving, he was still wearing the suit we got for him from the GZ casket. He had to be transferred to a new coffin as the standard frieght one that he came home in was too big for the cremation "entrance". (yes, it was an absolute "waste" of money in my opinion as the frieght coffin cost S$4k, why dont they make two sizes for frieght? One for people who wants to be buried, so any big dimensions would be okay; another for those who wishes to be cremated? its not just the money that is wasted, I felt that its a poor use of resources, imagine all the effort, labour and more importantly raw materials used to make the coffin, after 2days it will be discarded??? what happend to all the deforestation, poor tree-renewal projects, global warming issues?)

Eldest bro bought pearl for Dad, it was to be place in his mouth and all around his body, bro bought a whole bag of it so everyone present had opportunity to garnish Dad with some pearls. Am not sure the real significance of placing pearl in Dad's mouth but in a separate environment, eating pearl powder is suppose to have calming effects on the person, so that the person will not feel Frightened in a new environment, it was a standard practise for newborne babies to take some pearl powder after a week of their delivery as they are entering a very foreign "outside" environment for them as compared to the warm, fuzzy womb that they were created in. So in this respect, I guess, putting the pearl in Dad's coffin would have similar meaning... calming his soul as he's entering a new world. I sure hope it helps him as much as helping those who believe in this practise feel that they've done something for Dad after his gone.

Dad was covered with a nice warm-looking blanket and I was told that each of his younger siblings should also purchase a blanket for him to cover Dad, so that he can feel their warm and love. By the time my aunties and uncles realised that they have to do that, the shop selling these items in the Singapore Casket was closed. So it was decided that the blankets will be placed on Dad on the day of the cremation instead, at least that will give them more time to source for something that they really liked instead of subjecting themselves to monopolisitic merchandise in Singapore Casket.

The chanting begun shortly after all our relatives saw Dad for the first time, cried their eyes out, tissue boxes were passed around, hands were held to lend support, glances exchanged to show concern and we all stood around Dad for the chanting session. As the chanting progresses, you can see most relatives sobering up, tears were dried up, hankies were kept, they were begining to fidget more restlessly. I guess the process of chanting does help one to get through the initial shock of grieve and provide a time and space for our minds to process the situation. It gave everyone a chance to "talk" to the deceased silently in their minds/hearts and allow them to make peace with him/her. It was certainly an useful exercise as I can witness the transition of strong grieve to slow acceptance during that short hour of chanting. I suppose knowing that Buddhism scriptures were read out on behalf of Dad to ease his journey into the unknown world helped to relieve some of the worries on their minds.

After the chanting, relatives gathered more freely to discuss and find out the stories behind his death. Water was distributed out to everyone to replenish the water-loss. During this time, I stood by Dad as I was not interested to repeat the "stories" or to join in the chatter. I just wanted to take a good look at Dad, to remember him, to be with him. One by one aunties and uncles came by to say some of their own heartfelt words to Dad. Dad was the 4th brother to the rest of the 11 children in the family. Being in a big family, there were often lots of swabbles and fights amongst them, Dad's peace-loving nature often put him in the mediator position and being a rational person, he seldom take sides and often is able to resolve their differences. Dad has earned great respects from his siblings for many kind deeds that he did.

Many of dad's siblings grew up during the times of WWII, they were about 7-9years old when the world ended, when the Japanese handed-over to the English. Many children who were previously enrolled in schools went back to schools to continue their education. Unfortunately, two of my aunts missed all the enrollment dates/times due to poor family background and war timing. When our family was doing better after the war, when our family could afford to send these two aunts to school, they were already over the age limit. Many schools rejected their application as they were simply too old to join primary one and too illiterate to join the older classes. Dad went down to the school and made appointment to speak to the Principal personally. Dad was able to convince the principal that the moral behind education was Education. If they had denied their chances when they could afford to study, it would affect the rest of their lives. Education is to equipped a person with skills and knowledge, if that is not a main criteria, then why set up a school in the first place. In his heart-felt plead with the principal, my two aunts were finally able to attend school, to learn how to read and write, to learn math, to learn about world affairs and not be lagging behind their peers.

It might have been a minor action on Dad's side to see the principal to plead with him, but its consequences were severe. It had affected the lives of two young ladies for their future ahead. None other elder siblings saw that need to plead with the principal nor made the effort to do something about it. It was Dad who saw the true value of education that prompted him to make it happen for my two aunts.

At my Dad's coffin side, one of the aunts who could attend school because of Dad came by and told Dad that she'll never forget what he has done for her. It was a meaningful experience for me to hear that from my aunt. I can continue to feel proud of Dad even when he's no longer around because I know that he has done something good.

Next, my youngest uncle came by to talk to Dad, he kept asking why he left so early, if only had a few more years. It was the first time i see and hear my uncle display such brotherly love. I could not help but feel that I failed in my duty as a daughter to preserve my Dad's life longer for him to enjoy a few more good years with his siblings, children and grandchildren. I couldnt help but wish that it was all not true. I wished that it was all a dream, a nightmare that Dad would still be around us.

Dad made alot of sacrifices in his youth. He was a happy young man, attending school like every other child in his age of 11. One evening, my grandfather lost his entire business at the gambling den and life was changed forever for Dad. Dad had to stop school to work along with his older siblings so that they can support their youngers siblings. Dad had to quit school which he so very much loved and enjoyed and go out to learn a skill to feed his younger siblings. Together with grandfather, Dad and his 3 elder brothers worked day and night to make ends meet for their family. I do not know if Dad ever complained about his hardship but the Dad that I knew always told us, "What to do, family is more important and self. You got to do what is important."

With that, Dad worked for the next 55years of his life. For his family, for our family. He had taken less than 10 major holidays with us inclusive of the malacca, KL, genting, he's only been to china a few times, Japan once, Taiwan once, Melbourne once, south koren twice, thailand and bintan more often for business trips. He had to work 7 days a week, 18hours a day when he was younger and he seldom complained. Instead, he looked for a chance to continue his education through night-schooling. It was very popular to have night-schooling in those days (as most would have missed proper schooling years and with a need to feed their families, night schooling became the best option to obtain a PSLE-equivalent cert, N- or O- or even A-Levels were possible then).

Yep. That was how mum and dad met. at the night school. Dad would often miss his classes as he's got lots of OT at work. So mum being the helpful neighbour cum classmate would cycle by his house and give him his assignments and test dates. What impressed my mum most about Dad was his steadfastness in learning and wanting to be educated. He would often miss classes because of work, but Dad never used it as an excuse to avoid submitting his homework or skip a test. In fact, he would attend all the classes whenever there was a test or an assignment due. (impressive huh??? would melt any girls' heart right??? that was how mum got hooked lah.....)

The most impressionable encounter they had was during an essay writing competition, mum being a hard-working student had often performed better in class than Dad. Both mum and dad took part in this national essay writing competition, mum was surprised that dad did better than her during the competition. Even though dad's essay did not win him the first prize but he won a merit award wherease mum's essay was just a credit. Dad's essays was written with alot of hard-earned working experience and hence won the judges heart with his maturity and writing skills.

Dad's passion for learning continued on after becoming a parent, when english became the mainstream language in schools and our education system, Dad strived hard to learn how to read and write english perfectly. I was a young kid then, I remember how dad would sit down on his writing table each night, take out his english assignment books, open up the exercise books with 3 blue lines on it and Dad would practise writing each new word on his exercise book. He would only stop when he's happy with his very manuscript-like handwriting. He would also play english-learning tapes on this hand-held player and repeat after them. Whenever, I go up to him, I must be like 3 or 5, he would have a gentle smile on his face and a twinkle in his eyes. It was cute watching Dad study. It made me want to study hard like him too.

family jen